Idealistic supergirl.

2:58AM

2012-02-22T02:58:00.000+08:00

Having decided that I am indeed, royally screwed for the Common Tests (I'm in the midst of taking them), I decided to blog.

Minutes ago I was a faith filled little girl somehow believing that the paper tomorrow will only ask questions like "Who was the leader of USSR?" or like " Did Hitler like cats?" and "Are you prepared? Discuss this statement with explanations and examples to justify your claim." to which my answers would be Stalin, Yes. Everyone loves cats. And um.. No, no, no and no. I suffer from extreme history dyslexia and I am completely unable to comprehend nor remember what caused interstate tension. I had absolutely no idea why I picked history, and one fine example of my disability would be that I gasp for air desperately when someone tries to make me write a historical essay. My faith has been thoroughly demolished by this cruel thing called reality. Tomorrow, sure die.

So anyway, I was trying to study anyway and my dad was next to me on the couch. After all his shows ended he played the Xbox, fiddled on his phone and attempted to watch my mom's Taiwanese idol-based dramas. I was confused by his restlessness and really thinking why wouldn't he just go to bed or something. Then I realised..

He was waiting for me.

He was finding stuff to do so he could keep me company so I wouldn't feel lonely and scared alone in the hall cause he knows that I am a scaredy cat like that and really fear the dark! And really I was so touched! :') haha so I decided to give up anyway and ceremoniously announced "I give up!" he gave me this look :c and then asked why. So I just said that I was dumb and I'm really tired now so I'm going to bed.

Now that I am in the comfort of my own bed, under covers I see that he has switched off the lights and gone to bed. How so very sweet!!!

Pity he is like this like I day out of 366 days. Oh well!

Post is abruptly cut short because I am tired and I am going to bed. Like... Bye.

2012-01-05T22:37:00.003+08:00

She walked down the street, took several deep breaths- almost as if it was her first time. She set her eyes upon the concrete pavement ahead of her, the construction side on her left and the trees on the right. Everything was new, everything was old. She kept on walking, and walking as her eyes begun to dampen. Her tears begun to fall like angry raindrops. What was inside,was nothing short of an angry storm. Her heart twisted and winced at every step she took. But somehow she wasn't sure of the pain. She didn't know if it came from a broken family, or a recent break up. Pain radiated again. She didn't know if it came from the fear of a new beginning, or the lost of something old. Pain pulsated through. She didn't know if she was break free or breaking down. Pain shot right through her chest. She didn't know which way to go. Her head was pounding from the pain. But one thing she knew for sure was that growing up, would be painful. In life, we mourn for beginnings. Because when something lives, another dies. While we have our lives in this concrete jungle, trying to make all the right decisions, how many of us have stopped to smell the roses? How many of us have lived a life? She certainly hadn't. For the most part of it, she was just surviving. Sometimes she walks and she starts to cry. She'd sing a song out loud, complete with a cracking voice, a stuffed nose, and blurry vision. But she keeps on going. She'd cry for her past and fear for her future, instead of changing it. Truth is that every path, leads to a different situation, leads to a different future.

Many ask if she has ever regretted, she tells many that her only regret is that she would never know now, how things would have turned out if she took a different step.

31st December, 11:52PM.

2011-12-31T23:52:00.002+08:00

New year's eve! This year has been turbulent, and very much tumultuous for me, as well as my family. While I had a rocky start, and spent too much time crying, fussing and searching for my own version of release.. The year ended on a better note. Perhaps something just broke in me, and I got really sick of being sad and not living my life. I was sick of surviving, sick of scraping. I really really wanted to live. Perhaps other aspects of my life are yet far from perfect, but I have faith, in the Lord, as well as the new year, that things would come around- one way or another. I've been a wintergirl for much of this year, frozen and shut in my own world, but now I feel just like Lia- I am thawing. Perhaps this is what recovery truly feels like. There is no explosive breakdown, no great story to tell. It seems to me that I was like an ice-cube, that was left out in the sun too long, and I just begun to warm up.

On a side note, my TV's speakers have broken down. So for the past few days, we've been watching shows like they were a mime. Usually this would have been devastating news but surprisingly I feel like it has helped my family connect with each other on a much better level. In the past awkward silences were filled and drowned by the incessant dialogue that was being vomited out of our speakers, but now that they've quit on us I find us speaking to each other a whole lot more. We'd discuss the plot, laugh and giggle at how clueless we were. So I suppose it's a blessing in disguise. :)

The new year is quickly approaching and I'm really excited as to what it would bring!

To everyone else out there, this year, give yourself a chance to live. Be brave, be strong. But be gentle. Cry if you need to, but please get back up. Savor every moment, live every second. Don't have anymore regrets when 2013 comes. Faith, hope and love- never forget.

Happy New Year! <3

XOXO,

Simone.

2011-12-14T12:25:00.003+08:00

Facing the reality.

I've hated this saying since I was a child. If you were built up and torn down the way I was, you'd understand why too. I believed in the good of the world and of humanity, but despite being proven wrong time and again I still insisted on the good. But everyone that's ever mattered to me, tries their hardest to prove me wrong.

I don't understand why.

The hypocrisy of this place disgusts me. The innocence and honesty that we should possess is no longer around. When Pandora opened the box to release the darkness, it seeped into our hearts and mind, bound and masked our souls. Robbed our innocence and hid our honesty. Inked selfishness, sin and lies into our brains, cursed our generation and generations beyond with the enternal struggle between our hearts and minds. Between what we think is right and what we feel is right.

But legend has it that when the darkness took over the world, it brought along an uninvited guest- Hope hung as tightly as it could on the cloak of the Dark King as he took over the world. Hope fluttered into the hearts of everyone. Some say it's a blessing but perhaps it's a curse. How strong is hope, how much can it change? Hope without action or prayers, perhaps can never change anything.

Poor Hope fights for the revolution. Hope tries to overcome. Hope has been beaten down and torn apart but Hope still believes. Hope stills hope. Hope has been the only constant, Hope has been the one that believes in the army of fallible humans. Hope prays for the day where light will overcome the dark, Hope rejoices when a soul is saved as a candle is lit. But somewhere on an island lying on the equator, lives a girl. Who believes and trust but doesn't feel like she deserves. She tries her best but lets people down. Hope looks at her, confused as it frowns while it thinks "What do I have here?".

She's here, there, everywhere. Unclassified and awkwardly loved.

She sheds a tear as she looks into the mirror and asks herself "What do I have here?".

She doesn't know and she may never know. She is willing but her knowledge and strength is weak. She prays as she hangs precariously on the edge of the light, half her body engulfed by the darkness, she prays that Hope remains.

2011-11-28T01:42:00.002+08:00

"Let's just try our best together."

It was always about learning lessons, and growing together. How was it that I've missed that? I spent so much time looking at what could have been and what should have been but I completely neglected what CAN be. What I CAN create. Alfred may not be The One, and right now it completely doesn't matter. I have so much time to recreate so many more beautiful memories with him.. What am I waiting for?

This year has been a complete letdown for me, and I've been a complete letdown for this year. I've been so awfully self-absorbed in my emotions, been so microscopic in what I've been seeing. I've been a complete coward, choosing to run away from my problems, leaving it all behind and escaping into solace.

But truth be told, had I been there at the crossroad, I had I forced myself to face whatever I fought so hard to avoid. I'd probably have been stronger, I'd probably have learnt more. But no, I was weak and I let it ruin me.

I don't wanna jinx it by saying, oh I've learnt my lesson, next year will be better or any bullcrap along those lines. But I know. I just know what I should have known. And I hope that changes things.

In 5 more hours I should be up prepping for another dreadful week in the office.

I know when I get up then I will feel like a disaster. But I know that I'm going to dictate my mood. I will look into the mirror and I will tell myself, "I can do this", and I will do it.

On the topic of self-motivation and work, to everyone else that's left out there, please take great care of your body. And I hope that one door opens when another one closes, and even when they're all closed, you'll find a window. Above all, I hope you find the strength to go through whatever you're facing now. Please, be brave. You are not alone.

Have a great week guys, the sun shines after the storm.

XOXO,

Simone.

Mr "I-want-you-to-be-happy"

2011-11-04T20:08:00.003+08:00

When I don't fight for what I want or what I believe in, everyone's mad at me. You in particular, is always telling me how I need to have confidence in my answers, confidence in what I think is right and fight for it. But when I actually do it there is nothing but attitude and rejection.

What the fuck is it that you want from me?

I once asked you this question and you told me that you want me to be happy, therefore demonstrating the biggest hypocrisy of the millennium. You bestow upon me a "feel good" answer, a politically correct answer but you act in another communist, unreasonable way. When it comes to such double-standard hypocrisy, I'd much rather you show your true colours right from the start. At least thy lowly servant that accidentally shot of our thy wife's vagina will know how to act accordingly, and pander to your every wimp and fancy.

I'm sick, disgusted, and repulsed by you.

ARGH! @#$%^&*(@#$^

STOP ACTING LIKE A SAINT. FACE IT, YOU ARE AUTHORITATIVE, UNREASONABLE AND AN ABSOLUTE PAIN IN MY "INFERIOR" ARSE. I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR DAMNED "LOGIC", LIES AND HYPOCRISY. IT'S HIGH TIME YOU PRACTICED WHAT YOU PREACHED, OH DEAR "CHOSEN ONE". You think you are perfect and infallible, and that every single syllabus that is expelled from your crude, filthy mouth is our model answer.

WELL SCREW YOU! I'm done, okay? Excuse me while I wallow in self pity, angst and my "period blues" since that's what you think is bothering me all the time. Well Mr Wong, it's called DEPRESSION and your unfortunate spawn has it. Suck it up.

Sincerely,

Your mental, emotional, fat, disgusting, petty, serious, selfish, evil and inferior daughter.

ie; the spawn you wish you never had.

2011-10-27T11:18:00.001+08:00

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see the flashing lights of the ambulance. I can feel myself being lifted onto a stretcher, I can see the lights and doctors in the ER trying to save me. I can see my family, my boyfriend and my friends crying for me. Yelling for me to come back. I can feel the air escaping from my lungs and my eyelids dropping. I can feel the tears at the corner of my eyes. I can feel myself giving up the fight.

I’ve never been there, it’s never happened.

But that makes it all the more horrifying- I feel like it’s already happened to me.

What about me?

2011-10-27T09:43:00.001+08:00

A storm is brewing outside and I'm in my nest of blankets.

Somehow a part of me wishes to be out there, against nature, against life. But at the same time I'm so appreciative of the physical warmth I have now.

That's exactly how it is. I'm constantly caught between what I want to do and what I should be doing. You know, it's utterly devastating to feel alone when you're in a house, a class, a school full of people.. When you're sitting there, laughing along with all they have to say, but you're being ripped up inside. Utterly depressive. Being alive is horrible. But death is "not the answer", death "hurts your loved ones" and if I love them I "should stay alive and face everything with them". If love is truly about sacrifice and happiness.. Why can't they let me go? Can't they see how much I'm hurting by living in this imperfection, by being imperfect?

Problems can be solved, if I don't like myself I should be changing, don't listen to what other people have to say- just be yourself.

I suppose these great "philosophers" didn't take everyone into consideration when they decided to say all of that.

Obviously, they didn't remember the people who can't solve their problems, who don't like themselves because of other people, who don't know who they are because right from the start they were taught to listen and adjust accordingly.

They obviously forgot me.

I am the problem.

2011-10-20T00:10:00.002+08:00

I've always tried my best but it's never been enough. It's not enough for my parent, not enough for Alfred, not enough for my friends, not enough for the school. I've finally realized why is it that it's so.. I've found the root of the problem. I found the irritant I found the pest.. It's been me. All this time my best is not enough because I am me. I am Wong Simone.. My best will never be enough. No one takes me or my problems seriously. It's always a part of growing up my menses is always coming. WHY IS NO ONE WILLING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM.

I can repeat on this worthless space on the Internet that I have had enough that I will take no more.

But we all know that that's not true. I will always care. Always be at fault.

I will always be broken..

I will always be me. Simone. Broken.

UUSDDU

2011-10-12T13:11:00.000+08:00

Ungraded ungraded ungraded. All my life I've been ungraded. I'm ungraded. A normal jc kid take 2 years to get 3 A's, I'm a creep who's taking 4 years to get more U's.

Failure. Stupid, stupid failure. Why do I even bother with life.

Yeah and this is just something I need to " learn to get over".

2011-08-27T16:13:00.002+08:00

Hulloooooooooooooo~

It's 4:13PM now! But the lovely weather makes it seem like it's just 9ish-AM.. I'm in a whole lot of shit now. But to be entirely honest, I can but don't want to care. Come what may, I'll just brave the storm when it comes!

So just the other day I was talking to a friend and she told me that I have every right to be happy.

Strange how I don't really understand/ agree. It's gonna take time.

Monday: Psych

Tuesday: Mug

Wed: GP Promo

Thurs +Fri: Mug

To everyone out there, who's having a hard time.. Hang in there. You're not alone.

XXXX

2011-08-22T13:53:00.003+08:00

Today, we're leaving all our troubles behind to hop on a train going anywhere, somewhere where time doesn't matter and love is unconditional- everlasting. Where rainbows are giant slides, where clouds are sugary and feel like silk. Somewhere were we can finally rest.

2011-08-16T23:38:00.002+08:00

Feelings. A blessing and a curse.

2011-08-01T13:24:00.003+08:00

So recently I've discovered that this space has alot of silent readers. Which is totally fine with me, But if you're reading this just to mock and ridicule me, asking stupid questions like "eew why like that" then I strongly urge you to fuck off. What kind of sick question is that?! Obviously I have problems that cause me to feel a prolonged sadness that evolves onto depression. Your lack of empathy is what that is truly revolting.

Don't read my blog, I am not your sick cheap thrill.

I'm so glad I've moved away from you because you're just like a silent lethal poison. Although I must congratulate you, fr keeping such a good pretense. Oh and FYI, what bothers me and what doesn't is not for you to say. If I were you, I'd focus on getting that guy that's so close yet so far.

Saturday night

2011-08-01T08:17:00.000+08:00

How did a friendly conversation on the importance of education land one sobbing in the room and the other pacing the void-deck? How did it turn into an argument about how to communicate. An argument about who to blame?

Bam the secret's out. The lifelong secret about disappointment, expectations and selective blindness is out. And my gut feelings were right- I had been a letdown, and my parents minded very much that I was the letdown I was. They just had the hearts of saints and decided to keep mum, seeing evident traits of despair in me/on my face etcwtvkthxbai.

I am hurt.

You know how you know you're gonna fail that paper? Yeah, that feeling- it sucks doesn't it? But somehow, seeing the red angry crosses and that big fat U on your scripts.. Hurts more.

Similarly, I'd always known(because I speculate) that they were disappointed. But somehow not knowing helped me stay sane. Perhaps it gave me the benefit of doubt. Perhaps I could delude myself into thinking " I'm just too hard on myself". But now that the secret is out I can't do any of the above.

Doesn't it hurt?..

While I was sobbing in my room, I was in pain. Never before have I had the weight of their expectations bear so heavily on my shoulders, never before have I felt their disappointment, pain and heartache press against my chest so tightly. Eventually I collapsed. It was as if my ribcage gave way and I asphyxiated.

How I wish.. How I selfishly wish that it happened literally.. My flesh is weak, my spirit torn. And I'm so close to giving up.

But even now I'm bound by expectations, responsibility.

Isn't it horrifically ironic that me, super girl, defender of dreams, idealism and all things soft and fluffy.. Never had many true dreams? Horrifically ironic, that I constantly tell people that they're beautiful just the way they are.. But fail to see the beauty within plain, old me.

I am tired. Almost every ounce of me has been spent. God.. Save me. Release me. Anything but this, anytime but now, anywhere but here. If You won't take me away, then guide me. Lead me out of this darkness and into the light. I want to be a happy cloud, frolicking by the rainbow and soaking up Your warm rays. I don't want to be this raincloud.. Anything but this.. Anything but this.

Rescue me.

Nail nibbler, morbid tumblrer.

2011-07-10T20:13:00.001+08:00

Sunday night and I'm nibbling on my fourth nail. It's chipping now and I am overwhelmed by feelings of regret.

School starts 'officially' in 12ish hours! I'm not too excited considering there's PE and like MOB but yeah ok. I'm really saturated now and really I want to attend school but I don't want to have to face deadlines, stress and what not. Because I really can't handle it.

Oral was just over and honestly I feel really really really screwed.. Can you imagine raising your head to an examiner from China snorting with laughter at what you have tried your best to say. Ah.

So no one really understands how I feel. They understand what I mean but not how I feel.

2011-07-09T00:49:00.000+08:00

I will not commit suicide until April 2013.

I suppose I could

2011-06-30T16:05:00.003+08:00

I suppose I could deal with silence. I suppose I could deal with loneliness.

I suppose I could deal with being next to people and yet just listen to the creaky sounds the bus makes. I suppose I could deal with keeping to myself and smiling when I'm alone. I suppose I could make it on my own.

So just perhaps I'm not afraid of being alone, perhaps I'm just afraid when there's no sign of life. Perhaps because death permeates my mind. I need life around me to remind me.

I suppose I could get better, I suppose I could deal with being happy.

So just perhaps I'm afraid of something new, because sadness is most of what I ever knew.

I suppose I enjoy sitting by the window, watching the cars go by, waiting for time to pass by. I suppose I could find joy, with just being alive.

I suppose I could deal with conflicts, I suppose I could defend myself. So perhaps I'm just afraid of hurting the ones I love. I'm just afraid of loss.

I suppose I could enjoy a day. I suppose neutrality is happiness. I suppose joy is found within a cup of warm coffee, or in the blankets on a rainy morning.

I suppose I could survive. :)

2011-06-21T13:08:00.002+08:00

Removed the tag board. It's redundant now since no one ever uses it anymore. Apart from the spammers who tell me they're blog walking and Galaxy entertainment who wants advertising.

L-o-s-e-r

So I've been thinking.. Should I move? I mean, that's the only missing link from moving on. I've unfriended him, unfollowed him, and deleted his number. Maybe moving is good too (URL to URL Lol).

What do I do.

I don't know.

More pressing issue: Movie with the boyfriend or nua at home.

I'm.. Back?

2011-06-16T02:21:00.002+08:00

I spent 5 minutes trying to start this blog post.

And in the end I end up with the most retarded, most meaningless introduction.

See this is exactly how my life is like, I'm constantly on this endless mindless pursuit for perfection, for symmetry for self contentment. And really despite all the desires and all the experiments I somehow just stumble. Yes, stumble into life. I never intended to start this blog post this way, I never intended to be depressed. I simply stumbled into it.

And it absolutely scares me that I have absolutely no control over my life, my fate and the outcome. Maybe you'd say that my actions can change the outcome. But really how much are our actions worth? How do our actions fare in comparison with higher power?

I dream of a fairytale life with a fairytale ending but my therapist tells me that fairytales do not exist, and this unrealistic ambition is the root of my suffering. Yet my psychologist tells me that my depression clouds my judgement and I am hence, unable to see the beauty in the world?

Maybe they need to see each other. Ha-ha.

2011-05-18T22:58:00.001+08:00

EXAMS WTF

This is all I've been:

2011-05-02T12:14:00.002+08:00

Inadequate.

Sometimes the very thought of my inadequacy makes me nauseous. I disgust myself, I despise myself because of all I want to be, all I can be and yet all I’m not.

I wonder why I don’t have “Defective Item” stamped on my forehead.

I can't keep my boyfriend's heart.

I can't get good grades.

I can't play good volleyball.

I can't be a good Christian.

I can't make my parents proud.

I can't be thin and beautiful.

I can't be good enough.

The pretense of normalcy.

2011-04-30T01:57:00.002+08:00

So today I was smiling and giggling like a shy schoolgirl.. But truth be told:

I wish I fucking died.

I just don't understand why am I so different from other people. Most teenagers sail through their lives with the occasional hiccups. But my life just seems to be the Niagara fall- it's frikkin endless, only one way out.. Down. All I've really been doing my entire life is fail. Embarrass people. Let people down. I guess that's my forte.

I'm sick and tired of failing. I don't want to fail anymore. I want to lose 30KG like any other girl on these thinspirational tumblrs, make people proud of me, deliver what is expected.. Not screw up everything given to me, ripping the hopes of other people. But I think I've forgotten how to be normal, and not a total failure.

Every time I look at the mirror, I want to throw a rock at myself. I almost wish I could slice my rolls and chunks away and live with the scars, not the fats. Every time I think of getting better I wish that I would die. Because I'm so good at failing I might fail at recovery too right? So what's new.

I know I'm headed downhill. But really things have come to a point where I don't really know what to do, where to go. I just want to die.

All said and done.

2011-04-11T23:31:00.005+08:00

So I've never really been happy, but what's new?

Well, I've finally gotten help for it. If you've read this space long enough you'd have realised that I'm quite dark, not to mention depressed. In the past few years (ie; these 2-3 Years) it's definitely gotten worse in the sense where it starts to affect me physically, falling sick just because, breaking sleep, trembling hands, bulimia, anxiety.. A whole lot of other shit I can't even remember/put down.

Today saw me in the doctor's getting an MC because I'd yet to recover from saturday and I didn't have an MC. Recently I've been agressively sad.. Withdrawing.. Suicidal.. So I decided to ask him about because no one I relate to believes I've depression. I don't blame them, I don't look the part. Considering I'm always smiling and cheery. But I guess what they don't realise is that it's just a front I put up.

So after I related my story and sentiments to him and him asking me quite a few questions he diagnoses that I have depression.

And it's pretty severe.

And I should seek professional psychiatric help as soon as possible.

And that all these unexplained aches and pains etc are a manifestation of my mental state.

He gave me a referral letter to CGH

I didn't take it.

In a nutshell I'm Off Centre. I think I am sounder than the crazed though. I'm probably just borderline crazy. I contemplated taking his letter, receive the help but after much thought I decided against it because I've too many commitments/responsibilities and a set of parents that would never accept me being crazy and needing psychiatric help.

Any self help books to recommend? Haha just kidding. I'll do fine.. I always do. =)

Oh yes.

Shout out to Fathin who doesn't know how I look like except for a small thumbnail.

Here's my photo :)

How does that look like a depressed person right.

Goodbye.

XOXO,

Simone.

There ain't nobody that can comfort me.

2011-04-08T22:36:00.002+08:00

*Blows dust off blog*

It's been awhile (yet again).

I hope you've all been well.. If you still read this space.. LOL if not then I don't really care. Teehee!!! I'm still failing.. and I'm still relatively sad..

I love taking the bus, it gives me time to think but sometimes I'm so scared of bus-rides because I'd be thinking.. Of everything and anything and I'll start to hear those people saying mean stuff about me. I actually think I've depression but no on actually believes me.. Maybe it's because I'm always smiling. But they just don't realize it's me trying to convince them I'm okay. Yesterday Ambra called me pretty and it was just about the greatest confidence boost I can get because OMGMANTHEGIRLALLTHESENIORSRAVEDABOUTLASTYEARJUSTCALLEDMEPRETTY!!! :') Moving on, geek girl image so unrequired. I am really tired.

IDK WHAT AM I DOING NOW.. JUST REALLY SLEEPYWNDFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFBHSERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWSDDDDDDDDDDDD

2011-03-23T22:40:00.002+08:00

Today saw me sitting at the staircase landing, sobbing.

All I ever wanted was a healthy, happy relationship.

Not much of a supergirl, this night is too cold without you.

2011-03-21T01:06:00.003+08:00

What draws the line between love and habit? What sets 'can't get enough of you' apart from 'I'm needy and I can't live without you'? What is the difference between ' you're just a fond memory' and ' I can't get over you' ?

Frankly I don't know.

Recently I've been having alot of doubts about my relationship and myself.. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just messed up like that. Last night Alfred spent the night and when I laid in his arms, head upon his chest, I heard his heartbeat. He held my hand and put it over his heart, and whispered into my ear 'if you're afraid I don't love you, remember this, remember my heartbeat. It's the best evidence of my love that I can give you.'. After we said our obligatory I love yous and good nights we went off to sleep, or rather he went off to sleep.

When I laid there listening to a melody made up of his light snores and heartbeat, I asked myself what if one day we couldn't be together anymore. I started to tear because really I can't bear to think of it. The irony lies within the fact that we're probably not going to make it till the end. I started having flashbacks of the times we've had together.

Just recently we had a fight and when I was distraught and confused, the little girl within me whispered a very meek 'when we wake up tomorrow, will everything be okay?' to his inner fuming giant. Instantly he softened and told me yes, it will. Proceeded to coax me into sleep, comforting me and teasing me till I laughed between sobs and smiled while I wiped my tears away.

And then I remembered the nights I've spent crying on the phone because I didn't want to hang up because that would mean losing him for 8hours. I begun to ask myself if this was a needy relationship, or a happy, balanced one.

So many things in life are undefined, will never be defined. And yet some things are just left the way they are. Wounds are never treated, tears are never patched. Everyone just leaves it to time but really, sandman is busy. So things just stay and linger.. Till we forget. Do we forget or do we pretend not to care?

And as for love, I guess the answer lies within what you're willing to do, what you feel and how you show it.

I haven't found my way yet. Haven't shown my love correctly yet. But I stand by my decision, it's out there somewhere, don't stop believing. :)

Good night.

XOXO,
Simone

2011-03-18T22:40:00.002+08:00

This post was inspired by my dad who just happened to be in town this week.

I was snooping around on Facebook about this girl, whom I shall not name. But let's just say she had a really significant role in my boyfriend's life. Alfred and I, we're going through this hard period. I guess this the end of the honeymoon period that people claim exists.

I don't like to dig up the past but I just can't let the past, be it mine or his, go.

I'm one of those people who has their lives built on memories. The pain and joy shapes my life and I'm terrified of forgetting either because I'm scared I'd repeat the same mistakes or forget to be thankful.

Today my dad asked me a question, he asked me if I was happy. For the first time in my life I was entirely honest and I told him no, I wasn't. In fact I never had happiness. I had the appearance of happiness. I don't know how to be happy.

Since I was a kid I've never truly been happy. And it's just horrible.

I think I've depression but no one hears me out. I can't tell my family because they think I'm just having "the blues" and my dad has a thing where he truly believes that I'm normal just like everyone else.

What he doesn't know is that I think of killing myself every other day.

"I hate life"

2011-03-13T00:52:00.003+08:00

Fists up in the air, beckoning God to come down and "sort it out with you" because you "just don't get why life is so damn unfair".

How many of us have been in this situation?

Really, how long will it take for people to understand that most of the time.. It really is just your fault.

Ungraded.

2011-03-08T13:15:00.002+08:00

For the first time ever in my entire stint in MI.. I'm getting Us.

And you know what, it was okay that I was getting F9s back in secondary school and getting Us for my Math. And all of that crap. But coming here, coming to MI. Know what it feels like? A second chance. It feels like a second chance for me to prove myself to the world.

But what have I done? Get Us.

It was okay that I was getting Us for math in year one because I KNEW I wasn't trying and when you don't try you don't expect. But what happens when you've tried... Hard. And still when the script returns.. All you see is "U -Don't give up keep trying" and suddenly I'm catapulted into this state of self doubt and disbelief. All of this was a fucking mistake. I should have trusted my instinct and went head first into H1 biology. I'd have done much better. But you know what? It's all too late now.

U for history and U for MOB.

I don't even know what to say. I know it was hard. I know everyone's also getting Us. But here's a secret. I've been so hard on myself because I've this inane belief. I AM NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I NEED TO SUCCEED- Because I don't have what everyone else has.

I don't even want to delve into that now. It's a tale that has been over told but really, never understood.

This world. It's changing. It's starting to filter. A, B, C, D, E, S, U. One day, you would find yourself being eliminated because this is a nation of elitism. Survival of the fittest. You either fight to be the top of you stfu and dissolve away.

Educating Jeremy, the unsensitive asshole.

2011-02-27T02:25:00.002+08:00

Wow it's been a month (well almost)!

My nose is black and I'm high on soy milk. LOL just got back from Educating Rita at Alliance Francaise and it was really mind blowing. Inevitably sparked some thoughts in my head.. And really I'm catapulted into this state of despair.

If you do some research on Educating Rita you'd know that somewhere in the beginning of her transformation of Rita, there was this part where she was struggling- struggling to fit into the upper class of the society, the educated elites. That's where she realized how much she was still lacking, but knowing that. also being aware to the fact she is unable to fall back into where she came from be YOU KNOW that you are so much better than that. Worth so much more than that. It's that state of uncertainty where you just don't know where to go from there on. Do you stay and HOPE that things get better or do you give up and just pretend like nothing ever happened, like you never ever made and attempt to improve your life. Erase every trace of evidence and just laugh it off as a joke.

Really, I know exactly how she feels. Because I know I'm not just an ordinary girl, not a small town girl, not a girl who will live the rest of her life in submissive to the society and it's sick, perverse ideology of success.

I know all of that but I also know, or rather I feel like I fall short in all areas. I feel inadequate. I feel like I belong in the highest rank of the lowest strata of the society, because I am "blessed with a flair for language and emotional senstivity" but yet I am "stupid when it comes to math and science".

I don't know where I'm heading or what I'm trying to say.

Drifting thought.

Do you know how it is like to be me? The amount of crap I have to deal with everyday. Just today I was all dolled up and really, I actually wore my confidence. For the first time in ages I found my confidence, dusty, and sitting in a Godforsaken box. And I brought it out. I actually felt pretty. I felt, amazing. So I headed off to meet a coupla friends before heading to the play- the biggest mistake I made. Because there I was stripped of my confidence, thrown off guard and really. I was hatin' on myself.

You don't even know how much confidence is a luxury for me.

So really, you don't even DESERVE to talk about how I look. Especially not when I have treated you to the best of my abilities.

Post abruptly cut short because I can't stand looking at this anymore.

G'night.

XOXO,
Simone.

Untitled.

2011-01-29T04:08:00.003+08:00

I hate drama.

These 2-3 weeks of school have been hell. I never knew boys could be so bitchy and I never knew a person can actually insult someone for something she gave up herself. And I also never knew the deadline of a PW segment can be like a ghost in Pacman chasing you till you cave in.

Moving on.

I'm trying to get used to the tenacity year two brings and frankly I'm not doing too well. My life currently, in a nutshell is this: PE PW Training PE Training. Oh and include "MUGTUTORIALSMUGTUTORIALMUGTUTORIALSMUG" In between every word. I get home everyday and I look like a shriveled plum- Miserable looking, plonk myself on the couch and instantaneously(well, almost) concuss before getting up an hour later and trudge my way to get a shower and then to drag my ass to bed. Following that would be the mini heart attack I get just before I close my eyes from the "OMG DID I SET MY ALARM WHAT IF I OVERSLEPT" insecurity I have that is BUILD in me.

Sigh.

See what A-levels are doing to me? Hahaha.

Anyway I just thought I'd share this with you guys (whoever that's left lololol srry man too bz). I started gyming!!! On top of my already strenuous lifestyle.. Sometimes I really do feel as if I have a death wish. So today I hit the gym and cleared 3KM on the threadmill, 3KM on the steps machine, 1.3KM on the cycling machine and 60 crunches!!! Really tired now but it was worth it. Why the sudden decision? A particular scene in my recently hyperbolic life would involve someone call me overly confident and sporting my miniskirts to disgust the planet.

I was struck with a revelation of how fat I really was after so many months of warped body imagine. I need to be thin. So anw I'm gonna keep to this workout going and hope I drop some pounds!

Wow my eyes are shutting so I will blog more when I get up from bed later LOLOL IT'S 4:35AM. Okay bye.

NIGHTS.

XOXO,
Simone

Irrationality

2011-01-14T11:41:00.000+08:00

So this is my life. A constant pursuit of normalcy. The repetition is sick. It's always a cycle of self hate or deep depression where I truly feel like giving up life would be better. Followed by a pathetic attempt at self consolation and help, I rally myself and become my best fan/ cheerleader. Then I stagger on my new getting back my life legs so try to reach fulfillment, which is constantly within sight, but for sone absurd reason it falls through and I just crumble.

Become a pile of waste, writhe while the world moves on without me. Horrible truth is that I'm but just human, a young immature emotional one at that.

I am just a girl.

Why can't people see that?

I know I have the capacity to be an adult to carry a family's burden upon my back, have enough to be responsible not only for myself but for others too but has anyone wondered if I want all of that? Nobody has ever asked me what do I want.

Here's my answer. I just want to be a girl.

I'm drained, okay? Living just takes the life out of me. Ironic huh?

Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out. But I can't cause it's not just me I'm talking about.

Only one thing to do:

Brave the storm with faith and pray I stay alive.

11 things for 2011

2011-01-01T00:47:00.003+08:00

Good results (H2; BBC H1; CDDA)
Break through in the family, for daddy to come back, for a financial breakthrough and a showcase of unity.
For the family and Alfred to soften in their hearts, to see Christ in a different light.
Fitness and health upped, to lose 13KG.
Better controlled emotions.
To rise up and reach out in and out of church, for God.
Stability in my relationship with Alfred.
Better stress management.
Better financial management.
Others.
Hope, Faith, Love and Determination.

Let's go, 2011!

I need time to heal teehee

2010-12-19T16:51:00.002+08:00

So I was half way through a post I think would be rather intriguing/depressing/worththeread when I decided to stop and rest for the night, the next day (18/12) I went beach volleying and I very genius-ly couldn't decide what I wanted to do with my hands and ended up having the ball ramming against my left hand in a highly unnatural position.

Basically I mangled my fingers at sentosa while playing volleyball.

This post was painstakingly written with both of my hands because I attended a typing class when I was young and now am incapable of typing with only one hand. I have winced 7 times in this post so I think I should stop here.

I hope you're all well and have unmangled fingers. :)

Uhh..

Happy Holidays?

XOXO,
Simone

Volunteer?

2010-12-09T15:09:00.001+08:00

Live with this poorly editted banner until I get someone nice and talented to help me with a new one that reflects more of my personality. :)

I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION.

2010-12-09T13:40:00.002+08:00

Ever been in a conversation with someone who's largely annoying? And you're stuck with them for a longlong time? Well I have. And really, through that I think it's really important to learn to observe other people.

Just today during lunch I was faced with someone who I couldn't make up my mind if I liked or not. What followed this dilemma made my decision for me- I HATE HER.

Lunch was at Bedok and we had -supposedly- the best yong tau foo in Singapore. A few spoons of bee hoon and sips of iced milo later a conversation picked up and this person who really doesn't have much EQ (Will be referred to as DHMEQ from now on) prompted me a question. This question was invasive and I didn't want to answer it fearing I would reveal too much about myself. My discomfort was evidently seen on my face and I was trying my best to change the topic and distract her. However DHMEQ for some reason, possibly unintentionally yet unbashedly continued to probe in a voice that would measure up to the noise a loudhailer would make. So there I was squirming uncomfortably in my seat, at the same time feverently praying for a meteorite of some sort to hit the empty lot between us so she would be so so stunned and lose her ability to speak. Forever.

Okay maybe just for 3 months till she goes for speech therapy.

But I actually wished she'd make this link in her head;

Demanding questioning + Someone who is unwilling to answer = DISASTER.

And from then on cease to ask insensitive questions AND CONTINUE TO PRESS FOR AN ANSWER.

My goodness..

I have such a fertile imagination sometimes it scares me. Ha-ha. Going back, I felt like a mouse cornered by Garfield who would never let me go unless I answered his question so I very unwillingly gulped and stammered my answer. Upon which she laughed.

Very loudly and obnoxiously.

FML. -_-

Fight

2010-12-01T11:24:00.003+08:00

So work's let up abit and now I'm just... stoning.

Hahaha I haven't been here in a while!!! Feels like an adventure. Guess I should begin with my life, which is why my blog was created! So I've shifted to Braddell and I'll be here possibly till the beginning of next year, which is when my Punggol abode will be ready for accomodation. Braddell isn't Shangrila, infact it's not even remotely close. Pffft.

I think I'm getting boring.. You think I'm getting boring? :(

The boyfriend is fine.. We just hit our seventh monthsary! In these 7 months we nearly broke up thrice. LOLDAMNIMBA. But we're still together.. And I guess that's all that matters. When we first got together I guess I still had baggage, so I couldn't really love him much but the tables were turned when he started being all PMS-y and mean.. It came to a point where I just really couldn't take it and blasted at him how I felt all along. But what surprised me was the fact that he took it all in, reflected, and changed. All because- he loved me. Amazing huh? :) We've had more fights and more nearly break ups.. But we made it. And right now I just really hope he's the one..

The family.. Things are kinda shaky. Alot of changes are taking place and really, I just don't want to be part of any of it. Because, really. It's beyond my control and it really wears me out. I'm seventeen and I will live a seventeen year old's life. My parent.. They're old enough to fight for themselves and it's high time they fought their own battles.

School.. IS OUT. (Y) For some strange illogical reason, I just wanna go back. Hahahahaha. Promoted, coped.. Excited for what year 2 has in store for me!

Weight. I have it, I'm trying to lose it, but I'm not losing it(mentallyLOLIT'SAPUNGEDDIT?) But I'm -sorta- at ease with myself. No sweat! (LOLGEDDITNOSWEAT?) I will do this healthily. ^^

Religion.. I've been successfully followed up! Hahaha, in these 2 months I really feel myself growing closer to God and He's really been showing alot of Himself to me, really just guiding and helping me. Through Him I've really found my calling.. The way he manupilates events in my life just to turn me to Him. It's amazing. I've had so many revelations. :)

Work, sucks. I hate it but I'm gonna be done 10 Dec.

I'm contemplating a new url.. Any suggestions?

Valerie just got yelled at by my highly stressed boss. :( Valerie if you read this tonight cheer up! :(

XOXO,
Simone.

10 things.

2010-10-29T18:47:00.005+08:00

Hello one and all, it is 6:48PM on a friday evening and I've just sent the boyfrie nd out for his concert at Republic Poly. After battling the wind that was coming through my balcony and devouring 2 cocktail sausage + a slice of buttered toast.. I feel incredibly humongous. You know sometimes I wish I was less conscious of my diet/weight. Y'know, just eat what I want and gain what I gain.. But I suppose that's beyond me. Moving on, it's been awhile! I can't believe that in a span of less than a year I have changed from one who blogs 25 posts a month, to 3 posts a month. Pardon me, but the A level race in Singapore leaves little or no time for blogging.

Speaking of education, I have pleasant news to share. The boyfriend and I, alongside the whole year 1 volleyball team and most of my close friends in school will be moving onto year 2 in 2011! And despite nearly crumbling in the second half of the year due to pressure and stress.. I still do not regret my decision in choosing this path. :)

I am now seventeen btw, I feel so... Awkward. Know how Sixteen is kinda like -brb porridge lol I am the worst blog mistress in history haha too bad live with it. ;)-

Ahahaha okay when I went for my porridge I didn't come back on. Hehe ANYWAY AS I WAS SAYING. Sixteen is like a really big deal and everyone's just excited about getting sloshed/laid but seventeen is different.. Everything is so awkwarddddddddd :/ MOVING ON.

I initially intended to write a blog post about 10 things I've done better this year, but you know what? I want you to tell me what to write about. All of you, leave me a tag, wallpost, email, comment.. Anywhere! Just tell me what you want to read and I will pick 10 to talk about.

It could be like "Hey how did you feel when you accepted Christ" or "What are your views on sex" or "What do you think you are" or like I don't know. One worded things like Courage? YOU DECIDE!!!

I will not entertain sexual comments and things like "knnbccb why you so fat" or like "why aren't you like killing yourself yet". So if you send that to me I will just like eat another cupcake in your face. =)

Sidenote; Kinda apprehensive about how this will turn out leh. Sekali I become lozer. BUT CHIU KNOW WHAT? IMMA DO IT ANW.

PMS

2010-10-16T00:48:00.002+08:00

I love you with all of my heart, without utter a single word of complain. Expecting nothing in return but some appreciation.. But I never got it. My heart pounds when I see your face or hear your name, and I hate that it's so because I wish you meant to me as much as I meant to you. This way I'll never be sad.

I've felt this so many times.

2010-10-16T00:28:00.003+08:00

The real pain starts when you try to pretend that it doesn't hurt.

Entry one in a long long time.

2010-10-12T02:29:00.004+08:00

Mission; I must write something here today.

Somehow I like ;s more than :s, English aside, there's something about the ; that's more subtle and less crude as compared to a : . Gibberish aside, it's 2:54AM and I need your attention. Or do? It's been awhile, I admit.. But you're a blog, you're inanimate (by the laws of biology) you are supposed to be much like God, always patiently waiting for me to return.

But you're more than just a blog. You're a part of me. You're me decoded into tiny codes and pixels. This is odd, today it seems like I am talking to my blog.. Which weird. And possibly wrong.

But then again who am I to judge what's right and what's wrong. Who are YOU to judge? Who's to say what's in and what's out? I'll wear my windbreaker even in 2045, what do you say to that? Why do I bother about your opinion?

Forgive me, today I am a tad deranged. It's just that I've been gone so long I feel sad and weird. You know what I think is good? As told by Ginger and Hey Arnold! on Nickelodeon. I spent hours on end as a kid watching these and they're cartoons but cartoons that mean something. Not just slapstick humor, unlike cartoon these days. As told by Ginger showed the struggles we all have as a teen and how we all will grow to realise that ultimately, one way or another we all will make it and learn. Hey Arnold!, much like As told by Ginger talks about being a teen. Don't get me wrong, we're not talking about emo slashing teens but teens who struggle with societal pressures and self-identities. Arnold shows you what you can have if you give it all, what you can become if you accept yourself, the chance you stand against the other kids who are "normal". But why does my opinion matter? Good question, I don't know.

This world is getting out of hand. The inane chattering of love, passion, anger, jealous and sin drives me to a chatter and more often than not I find myself with a pair of headphones drowing in Maroon 5 and CCC- songs that speak of love that is soulful and God's glory. We could all do without the animosity, and judgment. Afterall, who are we to judge?

Someday, I'll leave. I promise so. I'll get a red and white polka-dotted luggage, pack nothing but bearbear, swimwear, books, sanitizer, baby wipes and my comfy dresses. Then I'll run, sleeping in tents by the beaches, and working in starbucks, where all I do is smell and make coffee, making other people's day. I'll live on smiles and the happiness of this world, breathe the genuineness and purity of this world. I'll fall asleep everyday with the ocean breeze gently touching me, and a smile upon my face.

Now here's the question, will you join me?

We'd buy a bigger tent, and live life day by day. We'd work till we can afford a place. You'd try and I'd try, we'd make it together. And every night, after a long day of work we'd fall asleep in each other's arms, breathing in the faint coffee smell on our clothes.. With the ocean breeze brushing against our cheeks.

How beautiful that would be..

Sometimes all we need is some love, faith, hope and belief. Let go of the pragmatism that controls the society, and just embrace your idealistic nature. It's okay to dream, no matter what they say, it's okay. Don't let the people who had their dreams crushed, crush yours.

To everyone out there, it may be tough now. But believe me, everything will be okay in the end. And if it isn't.. It isn't the end. :)

G'night.

XOXO,
Simone.

Why I love you, part 1.

2010-09-19T23:46:00.004+08:00

Reasons one to 10.

I love you because you make me smile.
I love you because you tried to be there for me as much as you can.
I love you because you made me feel special and worthy.
I love you because you care for me and my abused body.
I love you because you are helpful.
I love you because you are willing to change.
I love you because you accept me for who I am.
I love you because you always want the best for me.
I love you because you see the sorrow in my eyes, even when I say it's alright.
I love you because you are able to set our differences aside.

Mumu, you were the someone special I was blogging about. And as much as you occasionally break my heart with your nonchalance and curt replies.. I find myself more and more in love with you. I know I screw up sometimes and piss you off.. But I never meant to. Like you, I would never bear to see you hurt or cry.

Sometimes, you're egoistic, mean, insensitive and indecisive. You snore when you sleep and you make fun of my fat rolls. That gets really annoying.

But you know what?

I love you just the way you are. And I will never ever want to trade you for 20 JC boys, or a 100 Fernando Torres. MI's Singapore Alfred Lim works just fine for me. :)

XOXO,
Wangwang.

My Singaporean teenage dream- Fufilled.

2010-09-19T22:59:00.007+08:00

You think I'm pretty, Without any make-up on.
You think I'm funny,
When I tell the puch line wrong.
I know you get me, So I'll let my walls come down, down. Before you met me, I was a wreck,
But things were kinda heavy,
You brought me to life.
Now every February.. You'll be my valentine, valentine.

Let's go all the way tonight, No regrets, just love.
We can dance until we die,
You and I,
We'll be young forever.

You make me,
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream,
The way you turn me on. I can't sleep, Let's runaway. And don't ever look back, Don't ever look back.

My heart stops, When you look at me.
Just one touch,
Now baby I believe, This is real.
So take a chance, And don't ever look back, Don't ever look back.

We drove to Cali,
And got drunk on the beach.
Got a motel and,
Built a fort out of sheets.
I finally found you,
My missing puzzle piece,
I'm complete.

Let's go all the way tonight, No regrets, just love.
We can dance until we die,
You and I,
We'll be young forever.

You make me,
Feel like,
I'm living a Teenage Dream,
The way you turn me on. I can't sleep. Let's runaway, And don't ever look back, Don't ever look back.. My heart stops, When you look at me.
Just one touch,
Now baby I believe, This is real. So take a chance, And don't ever look back, Don't ever look back.

I might get your heart racing,
In my skin-tight jeans,
Be your teenage dream tonight.

Let you put your hands on me,
In my skin-tight jeans,
Be your teenage dream tonight.

You make me,
Feel like,
I'm living a Teenage Dream,
The way you turn me on. I can't sleep, Let's runaway. And don't ever look back, Don't ever look back.

My heart stops, When you look at me.
Just one touch,
Now baby I believe, This is real. So take a chance, And don't ever look back, Don't ever look back.

XOXO,
Simone.

(L)

2010-09-17T00:19:00.000+08:00

Wuthering heights and someone special. :)

2010-09-13T00:00:00.001+08:00

Buried under tonnea of notes and seemingly endless love from my wholesome glass of milk.
Will try to be around as much as possible!
Stay healthy and hang in there! We're almost done with our race.
God bless! :)

XOXO,
Simone

2010-09-09T02:12:00.001+08:00

Hi guys.

I have Milk next to me now and he just let a mega yawn out. We spent the last 20 mins ogling at hot girls on facebook and now we just really don't know what to do with our time.

Obviously, we refuse to sleep because it's the holidays and we are rebels.

8B

Okeh bye.

Bring it on, world!

2010-08-29T23:22:00.004+08:00

Back on track.
Monday, come what may. I'm not afraid!

Here's a list of people I really think deserve some limelight;

Alfred Lim
Marion Frayna
Ong Yi Lin
Valerie Goh
Sherry Chai
Oh Jia Ling
Christine Han
Winifred Ong
Charleen Lee
Farizuan Yusaini
Margaret Tan

You guys are lovely. :)

Losing control.

2010-08-26T20:14:00.003+08:00

I need to write this.

Some days I feel like a fat little girl, who really loves candy, who really wants candy. Some days I feel like a fat little girl struggling to put on wellies because it's pouring but I really want some candy. Some days, I feel like a fat little girl who went out in the storm with mismatching wellies and a flimsy umbrella, to get some candy. Some days I feel like a fat little girl, forcing her way through the rain, regardless of it's direction just to get some candy.

Yet on other days I feel like a fat little girl standing outside the candy store, dry and armed with a pocketful of change, ready for her candy.

Had you any intellect at all you'd have seen the symbolism of whatever was mentioned above.

I'm stressed out. I'm breaking. I'm tired.

I'm so stressed I can't sleep well. My legs cramp at night. My hands tremble. My heart pounds. My temper is foul. My dreams project the same, fearful images over and over again, every single night. My migraine worsened.

I want more than anything to just throw everything I have on hand, scream, yell, crumble into a pile on the floor and just cry out. Cry out for Lord, cry out for help, cry out for rest. And just sob till my physical form breaks and falls.

Someone, anyone, hold my hand, take me into your arms and tell me "Just cry, Simone. Let it all out."

Some days I look into the sky and question myself, what in the world am I doing here.
Some days I'm so tired I can't think straight.
Some days I just want to give up on everything and sleep for a long, long time.

I'm not going to apologize for making you guys worry. Think time round, it's about me.

Goodbye.

Real.

2010-08-22T00:41:00.002+08:00

I'm waiting, for the smiles to turn into tears.
When our love is in the midst of dying, it feels more real.
There are too many doubts and unanswered questions,
But so what if I know the answers?

I've learned that tolerating doesn't require any talents,
You've just gotta fall in love with the wrong person.
It's funny but it's true,
Heartaches always feel realer than love.
Why is it that love has to be so cruel.

Loneliness feels more real as compared to an embrace,
And love, it just makes people lose their rationality.
Maybe I'm being too selfish,
But forgive me, I'm just scared of the lonelier days.

I can't let go, but I can't see our future.
Could it be that our love is within this imperfection?

Even with our fist held high, we could still lose the fight.

2010-08-17T21:35:00.003+08:00

And we spend days running, running from the truth, running from the hurt. We build but walls to keep people out because we're scared of being hurt, we run, run and run. It's like when you're held to a wall you just fight back. I don't know what's my point and I don't know what I'm doing. Above all I don't know why I yearn your affection.

I don't know why you can bear to ignore me,
I don't know why you can talk about another girl in my presence and still claim that you love me,
I don't know why you can treat me like I don't matter and still claim that you love me,
I don't know why you can behave like I'm everything to you one day and like I'm dirt the next,
I don't know why you can watch me, with tears threatening to fall from my cheeks and just look away.

I'm making a wild guess, but I suppose it's because I'm not as important to you as I would like to be.

I can't tell you exactly what it is, but I can tell you what it feels like. It feels like a dagger being twisted in your chest. It feels like a slap across the face. It feels like your heart is being torn apart, slowly, fiber by fiber.

I'm burnt.

Can't breathe.

2010-08-16T19:36:00.004+08:00

I'm burning out real quickly.

Lord, please give me strength to go on.. I just need 9 more weeks.

The revelation.

2010-08-12T23:05:00.003+08:00

God's real.

I can see half of you rolling your eyes and going all"Duh of course He is how dumb can you get.". But I didn't always know that He was in fact, real. See I've always been a little gullible since young. I was that little girl who cried because we didn't have chimmneys in singapore and that would mean santa couldn't come in( I was later hoaxed into believing that he would come in by the balcony and the presents were made in the nothpole. Not a dingy factory in china.)! So to protect myself I was skeptical when I grew older.

As facebook would put it, my relationship with God was set at "It's complicated". Growing up wasn't easy for me and I'd doubted Him more than I'd doubted santa. I was empty, I knew something was missing and after many years of conjuncturing what on earth it was, I realised that it wasn't on earth. It, or rather, He, was in heaven. (For those who haven't had your ureka moment yet I'm talking about God, not my deceased grandmother.) But being a rather angsty and emotionally unstable teenager I refused to believe it. I mean come on, I don't see Him, or hear Him. To make it worse the people who talk about Him seem to be high on pot, how am I supposed to believe He's real. And to believe something I couldn't prove was real.. Was just beyond odd.

But being true to my singaporean spirit, I prayed to Him just incase, half heartedly. Until one night where I'd just finished tough day in school, I returned home and got ready for bed. I cried long and hard and I prayed a sincere prayer to God. Begging Him to save me, to make me feel like I wasn't alone. And my maid, who is a deeper than deep sleeper, got up and asked me if I was crying. She told me not to because everything was gonna be alright.

He proved to me He was real.

You might think it's just a coincidence but I can tell you there are no coincidences when it comes to God, everything is carefully planned by Him. Freaky huh? I know.

Upon my revelation that God is realer than santa claus I went crazy. Literally. I spent endless nights in my room, figuring just were on earth He was. On the table? On the bookshelf? Next to me? If so which side? My left or my right? I wanted to give Him a hug. Eventually I gave up, and I prayed. Once again I felt it, I felt Him. And then I had my second revelation. He was everywhere but most importantly, He was in my heart.

Now all of these happened far before I accepted Christ, here's a question for you. If he could love me, someone who didn't believe in Him, and care for me enough to prove to me that He was real and to comfort me when I'm sad.. What wouldn't He do for me, now that I'm His child?

To those of you who've yet to feel Him I know I sound like I'm high on pot and probably do not make sense. But you know what? Someday you will. And all of this would make sense.

And those people I said were high on pot?..

They're just high on God's love. Not to mention on fire for Jesus Christ..

Just like me. :)

XOXO,
Simone.

Where'd you go?

2010-08-10T15:14:00.000+08:00

Come back to me.

Quiet time... Online. :)

2010-08-04T23:32:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

Thank you for planting me in HOGC, and putting wonderful people like these in my life. They have given me so much support and love, I am moved and humbled. Without them I'd have been half the person I am.

Lord I thank you for putting Alfred by my side. He is a tad silly but I love him just the same, he makes me smile and I know you put him by me for that very reason. With him I have matured so much emotionally.

Lord, thank you for giving me friends like these (and friends I don't have pictures of). They are always there for me, giving me support and encouragement. I know this is your way of telling me, I am loved and never alone. Without them, I'd have given up long ago.

Lord, I thank you for giving me parents like these. Who love me unconditionally and want nothing but the best for me. They have given me what I need, and more. Without them I would never have existed and I would never come to know You. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.

And Lord, I have a simple prayer for all of these people.

Lord, I ask of you to watch over all of them. Reach out to them when they're in need, and may they never, ever feel alone. Lord I ask of you to heal every single broken soul, and bless them. I pray for their salvation, that one day, when the time is right, they will come to know You, receive your unconditional love and mercy. Lord, I ask of you to bestow upon these people, with adequate strength, courage, and morals to make the right decisions in life.

Above all else, Lord. I pray that they would be happy. Every single one, from C3, HOGC, my friends, Alfred, my family. All of them.

Lord I know that you answer every prayer, it's just a matter of how and when. I also know that you have great plans for all of us, and thus I leave it to your hands.

In the name of Lord, Jesus Christ..

Amen.

Yours Sincerely,
Simone.

Contentment!

2010-07-31T13:23:00.006+08:00

So it's been 2 terms in Millennia and I'm coping just fine! (Or so I'd like to think)

You know, I'm always dishing out love, encouragement, care and concern to other people I always forget to remember that hey I'm only human, and for coming so far, I deserve a pat on my back. -Pat- Anw, I received my results for my Promotional 1 examinations yesterday and I scored;

H2
Literature; E
History; E
Management; S

H1
GP; E
Chinese; D
Mathematics; U

I know these results are far from stellar and would never grant me uni admission, but hey! I did pretty well for a year one! I made all the promotion criteria, and was one of the privileged few who actually managed to pass H2 literature! And according to Mdm Loy, our level head, I did well and these results are commendable for a year one. :) -pat-

In life, I think we all get so absorbed in pushing ourselves we forget to be thankful for all the things we have thus far. Now I'm not talking about all of this from a religious point of view, I just sincerely believe that happiness is within contentment. I'm content with life, are you? It's amazing how I thankful I've gotten these days. There are days where everything just falls into place so nicely I feel undeserving and blessed at the same time, I just want to cry. Hehe I know that's really silly.. :/

All in all, I'm happy. :)

On a side note, Mr and Mrs Wong just sold our residence. We are currently homeless. HAHA in terms of ownership la. Papa Wong's looking for somewhere nice and we've till oct so it isn't that bad! ^^

I'm going to miss this place, I mean I practically grew up here.. Sigh, I guess we all have to move on someday. Right, now..

Photos! :D

My first blood donation!

I love my bestfriend! :)

Being stupid in class.

F.A.M.I.L.Y

The Wong's residence.

I'm going to miss it. :'(

Right I'm off to prepare for churchhhhhhhhh! :) I hope all of you stay healthy and well, study hard! :D

XOXO,
Simone.

Praise!

2010-07-18T16:03:00.002+08:00

I'm alive, Hallelujah.
I'm so thankful. :')

Phase the seventh, Fufillment.

2010-07-05T19:33:00.004+08:00

Hi everyone, meet my best friend. She likes to smile and laugh with me whilst looking at something out of frame. :)

This is it! The last paper and I'll be done with promo one. I can do this, I believe in me, I believe in God, I believe that everything's gonna be alright.

We believe, I believe. Same la.

Alright! Off to reiterate Mdm LSL's analysis into my head before I take down the only thing standing between me and proper freedom tmr. :)

I hope you're all safe and well! God bless!

XOXO,
Simone.

All I hear are raindrops.

2010-07-03T21:48:00.002+08:00

So I'm like 7/8 done with my promos and I promise a post with photos and proper words that are not typed with my mama's iPhone when they're done and when my Internet comes back on. I hope you're all safe and well, hopefully life's treating you fairly as well! God bless!!! :)

Of impactful sermons and breakthroughs.

2010-06-20T04:17:00.002+08:00

" I'm reaching for your heart, you hold my life in your hands. Drawing me closer to you, I feel your power renew. Nothing compares, to this place where I can see you face to face. I worship you, in spirit and in truth."

I feel like a changed person. I honestly do. Never in my life have I been so at peace, so magnanimous and so forgiving. I feel awesome, appreciative and thankful for everything God, my family and my friends have set before me. And you know what? This is just the beginning. I'm going to grow and mature into a person so amazing your mind will be blown. :) About an hour ago Jojo and I were talking about the unkind people in our lives and how much they've messed our lives up. But you know what? All they ever gain is the short term thrill of being a predator, they don't learn anything. But we on the other hand learn to be the bigger person, be sad, move on and get over it. We hurt and we learn to deal with that, we learn what's it like to be on the receiving end and we make sure we are not like that and in the process becoming a better person.

To the bunch of boys who were extremely unkind towards me, I hope you fall in love with a woman like me. Really, I hope you marry a woman just like me, a woman who has all of my flaws, every single one. I hope you fall so madly in love with her and learn that a flawed person deserves love and respect just as much as you do. I hope you will feel torn inside, because you love her so much, but you cannot accept the fact that she is flawed. This is what you deserve.

Amen.

G'night guys!

PS; BOYFWEN BACK TODAY(20TH JUNE)!!! PRAISE THE LORD.

XOXO,
Simone

If you are what you say you are- a superstar, then

2010-06-14T01:09:00.008+08:00

Have no fear, the camera's here.

A few days after my return saw me on an emotional roller coaster with my boyfriend in a park somewhere in Tampines. And after the ride was over we were all lovelydovey again and that explains this photo session.

Have fun looking at my boyfriend's sadly clothed body and like 15 copies of my face, twisted in different expressions. :)

Right now I'm in a land not so far away, catching up with people who hold the same family name as me. Everything aside, here's some ranting that needs to be done before I implode.

/Begin

I dislike food. I think that food is the cause of everything. No actually it's the need to consume food that is the cause of everything. If we didn't need to eat there'd be no starvation, if we didn't need to eat there wouldn't any fat or thin people, if we didn't need to eat there would be no eating disorders, if we didn't need to eat we'd all be happier.

If I didn't need to eat I wouldn't have been fat I wouldn't have had CVPS people murdering my confidence I wouldn't have had MSHS boys killing my self esteem I wouldn't have had an eating disorder I wouldn't have been the loser I was I would have been normal I would have been normal I would have been normal.

I keep telling myself I'm way beyond that but I can feel it. I can feel it creeping back, sucking me into that hellhole I tried so hard to get out of.

Please don't take away what I've worked so hard to build. Please.

/End

Rough day for the mind.

XOXO,
Simone.

WOW.

2010-06-12T15:30:00.002+08:00

Whew! It's been a real hectic month! I can't be more apologetic about the lack of updates! Anyway, as some of you might have already known, I flew off to the phillipines on the 3rd and I just came back last night. The place was just absolutely stunning! :) But weak old me could accommodate to the food, weather and surroundings so I fell ill. :( SUX2BME!!!

So yes, right now I'm off to receive tender loving care from friends and family.

More soon!

XOXO,
Simone.

You gave my life direction, a gameshow love connection.

2010-05-23T21:23:00.004+08:00

I know I haven't been here for awhile, sorry! Posted are some pictures I had taken with Xinyu a coupla days back. So far life has been kind, except for the fact that my shoes are still missing. But hey it's okay, I'll get a new pair after working in the hols. :)

The Phillipines trip is about 10 days away. I feel homesick already.

I promise to be back here, writing, before the new week's over! :>

XOXO,
Simone.

formspring.me

2010-05-22T13:34:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/simonewong

White tangerine.

2010-05-19T19:11:00.003+08:00

Hey beautiful girlllllllllllllllllllllll~

Right I wasn't referring to myself but that line has been in my head since Literature this morning. At the moment, I'm chilling (Like literally cold) @ white tang with the gang; Jelly, Beany, RJ, Andy, and Maomao! It's been so long since everybody's seen everybody.. And this feels like family than anything.

Right now they (Or rather we,) are playing japanese batsu which basically is a game where we watch funny stuff and can't laugh or you get whacked. So far I've been whacked once and RJ twice.. FOL.

Well the journey here was eventful..

Let's start with the ride, firstly I spent $2 on 506E, left my shoebag on the bus and my phone was low on battery so was my ipod it was raining dragons and I was drenched like chicken.

FML. Really. I want my mizuno shoes backkkkkkkk. JURONG EAST TMR.

K Maomao leaving so I'm going to return this to him..

BAI.

XOXO,
Simone

Less than 3!

2010-05-17T22:02:00.001+08:00

Thank you Ong Yilin!

MI mart polaroid-ed.

2010-05-16T17:18:00.009+08:00

Saturday saw me at Jurong point with wonderful people peddling our goods. I don't have much photos to recount the event but I felt with many many memories. :)

Sarah from basketball's class was doing a polaroid booth thing and I dragged along Sherry, Valerie, Chloe, Feon, Yilin, and of course my Milk to give her some business.

Here's Sherry who's been there for me regardless of the hour and issue. With topics ranging from personalities, boys, pretty girls and the addictive pain of volleyball. :) I love you, love! Thank you for everything!

Hi Valerie you're too adorable I feel like slapping you. Sherry likes to pretend that she's a pro photographer. You the cutest.

I'm still waiting for Yilin to scan the group shot! When she does, I'll be the first to post it! :) Come to think of it there're a few more with various people! 1 with Valerie, 2 with Sherry, 1 with milk and of course 1 with Yilin!

And last but not least..

My wholesome cup of milk. :>

XOXO,
Simone.

Since I'm not your everything, how about I'd be nothing.

2010-05-14T06:29:00.003+08:00

Right, I'm writing this entry on a west-bound train with a blank mind and a terrible sad, hurt feeling at the pit of my stomach.

I can't quite place a finger on why I'm feeling like this. Let me try to justify my feelings.. Ever had someone who meant the world to you? Like literally the world, someone who is so important to you that you feel as though the world can perish but if he/she doesn't you will still be alive, if he/she dies, the whole world can thrive but you'd feel dead.

I hope made sense back there.

I don't know about you, but precisely because I know of the importance and significance of that person.. I want to be that someone to somebody. As psychotic, scary, seflish and childish that sounds, it's true. I want nothing more than to mean the world to someone.

The heart breaking part is that not every thinks thne same way and not everyone can live up to expectations, I'm one fine example. Because of my desperate want/need I feel like it's only just that I expect as much as I give in a relationship, but then a again, because of my knowledge/understanding that everyone's different, I hate myself because I still expect. It's unhealthy.. I admit. But I can't help going in circles.

Maybe I just need to grow up and face the fact that in life we will be disappointed. And that it doesn't mean you'd achieve something if you want it bad enough.

Time check; 6:54am
Emotions check; Tired.

Goodbye.

The smell of you in every single dream I dream.

2010-05-13T06:32:00.002+08:00

Time check, 6:33am.

Today i'm feeling dreamy. Meeting my boyfriend in a second.. Meow.

:)

Messed up Monday

2010-05-10T10:46:00.000+08:00

I had a terrible weekend, 2 fights in 2 days. Anyone able to break our record?

It's 2 periods into school and everything's been terrible, we got chased out of MOB. I wonder how many people here are actually keen on studying. I need a filter the size of America to keep my priorities right and myself on track. Right now I feel like crap and thus I am typing crappily. Marion is looking over my shoulder as I'm typing this.

My brain is saturated, I want to spike something, I want a holiday but I'm stuck here in crappy Millennia Institute.

SUX2BME.

Kthxbai.

2010-05-09T21:55:00.002+08:00

Maybe, just maybe I deserve better.
Someone who's more willing to shower me with affection.
I take back everything I said about you loving me more.
Because at the looks of it now, it isn't true at all.

Enough.

2010-05-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

"I'm teaching Nicole chem"

Can't she learn her own chem? You're teaching her chem and you're not online so that means you're either on the phone with her, or with her. I can't even decide what's worse. You're teaching a girl chem and ignoring replies from your girlfriend. And you nonchalantly tell me that you're doing that. With just a fullstop. No smileys, no following statements. How do you think that makes ME feel. First there was Yuki, who you sent home. Then here was RuiShi who texts you daily(and you reply her religiously) and now there's a Nicole?

It's barely been 2 weeks and I'm so tired from having to remind myself that I ought to be matured and magnanimous about these girls. Half the time we're out you're texting one of these girls. Half the time we're out I'm angry over one of these girls.

Sometimes I really question what I mean to you.

Tonight, my love, you made a choice. You chose her over me.. Remember that. I'm not going to kick up a fuss, I'm not going to yell about slapping some bitch. I'm going to let you do what you want to. Have fun, but when you're done.. Don't forget to remember me. I'm sorry I lack the security, maturity and nerves to handle this properly, I'm sorry.

XOXO,
simone.

2010-05-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

Leave, my boyfriend alone.

2010-05-07T06:30:00.002+08:00

I like being the first girlfriend of other people. I don't know how and why but it makes me feel better. Maybe knowing that because I'm the first, they can't compare, and that they will never forget me. But perhaps it's the thrill of corrupting a once innocent mind(I'mnottalkingaboutsexhere). I don't know, never did, and possibly never will. Ever had someone who loves you? I rephrase, ever had someone who loves you more than you do? Of course there's our parents who will hold us even when the whole world lets go, but anyone apart from that? This feeling, it's peculiar, it's heart-wrenching. Now before everyone slams a label on me for being the worse girlfriend of 2010, let me clarify. I'm not saying I don't love him. I'm just saying he loves me more than I love him, more than I can ever love myself. I'm unsure. I cannot visualise spending everyday with him for the rest of my life. And it feels terrible because I do love him, but the guilt of not being able to match up to the amount of love he gives me kills me inside. I don't want to let him down but somehow I just know that I will. I always do.

Dummy's guide to feeling better.

2010-05-06T22:51:00.002+08:00

I have a coupla posts saved in my drafts. Hahaha but I don't feel like posting them now. I feel oddly unloved, despite having my boyfriend. I think I PMS. Hi dear, if you'd ever read this, remember that I love you. Y'know, all my life I've been hiding, hiding from all my issues and insecurities. All the times I stood up against my fears/issues were feeble attempts at self-help. I try to forget all I can, forget all the matters that make me the horrid person I am now, forget all the hurtful comments people have passed, forget how I weak and vulnerable I am to be able to be hurt by these pointless comments. I am needy. I admit, and I can't possible imagine anyone loving a creature like me. I feel down. It's okay, it'll blow over soon I hope. God, I hope you heard my prayer. Good night everyone.

Milk and cookie :)

2010-04-26T21:32:00.005+08:00

I'm beyond happy. :)

Pictures from the week;

GP lectures aren't very productive when you're surviving on minimal amt of sleep..

My tablemate!

Library!

I am tired.

And a ninja.

Ohohoh! On Thursday I signed out for the first time in Millennia!!! :O

This is my signout card. :D

This is my Bottle and I have a message on it. On friday Jelly took my bottle and begun to scrape the words off and this was what she left me with;

With reference to my ankle. :)

Farah snuck me and Simon an electronic note. :)

I received my letter and I'm all smiles.. It's joy beyond description. I shall just savor the moment. Anw, I hope you're all well! School's really terrible but I am starting to be able to cope better! :D

More soon!

XOXO,
Simone.

The one I didn't send.

2010-04-19T21:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Milk,

This all I wanted to say, but never dared to. You make me happy, you really do. Over this month I spent the most amazing time of life. Thank you for always being there for me, solving my problems for me. Making sure I'm safe and well. I don't know if you like me, I'd like to think you do. But then again it isn't up to me.. It never is, never will be. But one thing I'm sure of is that I like you. There's been so much going on lately, I can vividly see the struggles you have within yourself. Take your time, figure it out. We'll wait till the timing is right. I feel safe with you around.

Thank you. :)

Sincerely,
Your oddly shaped cookie.

So what are we now?

2010-04-18T12:46:00.007+08:00

I'm in a state of perpetual emotional unrest.. These few days have been pretty taxing on my soul but I feel oddly happy and at ease. I could deal with this. :) School's been fine.. Painful but good. The other day I was talking to Ms Chan, and I made several realizations about myself. Maybe, just maybe I ought to be less harsh with myself.

Anw, I got a new haircut!

I hope I didn't scare anyone. Harhar.

School;

New Injuries;

I'm sorry I haven't been as active as I would like to be.. :/ Do remember that I love 70% of you guys! And I hope you'll all be well. :)

XOXO,
Simone.

2010-04-14T08:41:00.004+08:00

Haha hi! It's uh 8:42am and I'm waiting for time to pass.. 53 more minutes before I can go on campus. I find it incredibly retarded that I can be late for school when I sleep at 11pm the night before, yet be punctual when I sleep at 2am. I reckon there's smth wrong with my bodyclock..

Right.. At this point of time I suppose you have made the stunning and sudden realisation that I don't actually have anything sensible or constructive to say. Harhar I'm sorry boredom kills. Right now I feel like a mouth cancer patient.. I have 2 very restrictive ulcers in my mouth.. And they hurt.. :( Simone is not pleased.

Let's review my week thus far. Monday saw me at school till 6 doing my Gp.. And on the way home with yilin and jelly we made a detour and headed to little india because ma babeh wanted a henna-ed "tatt". After purchasing our goods we were when there was a sudden heavy down pour.. Being stranded we decided to fuck it and got henna-ed. After which we braved the rain and ran to the bustop. Along the way there was an indian checking me out so I freaked out and ran fasterwhile trying to compress my bouncy mark of womanliness. Upon reaching home the father of the girl that is me, Simone Wong took us out for dinner. I had 2 solid hours of Gp for dessert. Yums. /sarcasm.

Tuesday saw me and milk at jurong point fending off our senior's teasing and suspicion. It was quite sweet tho. Heehee. Afterwhich we started on our journey to the sinseh in a far and largely inaccessible place. Upon reaching and collecting my number we had slightly over an hour to burn and spent it ard the neighborhood, eating and reviewing our journey in life thus far(which resulted in many pats on my head. :> ) When it was finally my turn, the sinseh tried to fix my leg and I tried my bestest not to sound like a pig in slaughter(not very successful), milk was kind enough to offer his arm for reassurance and I nearly broke his limb while the sinseh nearly broke my leg. We loitered ard for abit before leaving for home seperately.

Today is wednesday and I am late for school, thus I am under a dark & depressing voideck opposite Millennia Institute, waiting for time to pass- 20 more minutes before I enter campus. In a desperate attempt to kill time, here I am.. Tapping on a rickety qwerty keypad. Sigh. 2 more days till the week ends!

Ps, I just found out QWERTY is the first 5 letters of the first row on the qwerty keypad. Maybe that's why it's a qwerty keypad. :D 17more mins. God this is depressing.

Xoxo,
Simone.

2010-04-12T06:47:00.003+08:00

Good morning cupcakes! I'm sososososososososo sorry for neglecting this space! The week was hectic and an emotional roller coaster for me and many of my companions. But we all pulled through fine and stronger than before! Right now I'm still running to get back on track with my studies, trying to filter my friends- positive/negative influences, excel in my cca, and nuture a lil' smth smth with milk. Speaking of whom has been waiting for me for about 20mins..(he got off easy)! Alright I'll post smth again soon, just know that I'm well and I hope all of you will have a good start to the week. God bless! :>

Simmyz.

2010-04-06T23:07:00.003+08:00

"This part of my life... this part right here? This part is called "being stupid." "
- Christopher Gardner, The pursuit of happyness (2006).

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that? "
- Christopher Gardner

2 Days down, 3 more to go. Go Simmyz! :D I'm finally going back to training, despite the fact that my ankle looks like a freaking trotter I'm not feeling any pain anymore so I'm going to go back. Mama Wong wasn't too happy because she feels like sports will aggravate it and I will die or some shit and she's right, the swelling went down for abit over the week end but PT on monday made it swell to the size of an elephant's leg.

I don't really care actually, no pain mean I'm fit enough for volleyball. Hoping to get excused from PE tho. Harhar.

Christopher Gardner: Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?
Christopher: All right.
Christopher Gardner: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.

XOXO,
Simone.

2010-04-04T20:40:00.002+08:00

I am struck by a sudden realization of how fucked I'd be if any volleyball millennians were to read my blog...

I'd be so, so fucked.
Harhar.

Cultivating good habits.

2010-04-04T14:28:00.003+08:00

Things to achieve/accomplish by the end of this coming week;

Save $15 dollars
Minimize soda intake
Half internet usage
Sleep before 12am
Drink 2 bottles of my 750ml cloudcloud bottle daily
Consume fruits daily

All good habits. :)

Wish me luck!

CIP @ MI.

2010-04-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

"Hi ma'am, we're from Millennia Institute and we're here to collect food for the needy. Do you have any for us?"

Fourth day(I think) of activism week saw me ard the neighborhood collecting food for the needy with Marion and my buddy Simon(I nearly typed my own name there)! We were part of a bigger group consisting of Farah, Feon and Elaine! I had a tremendous amount of fun that day and the boys took very good care of me and my still swollen trotter. :)

Here's a fun-sized thank you! -Thank you-

Pictures as promised;

On the bus ride towards our blocks, I crept up to Feon who was our kind photographer for the day and demanded to be photographed.

Yi Lin and I! Love you my dear, I know you can't bear to spend a day without me! HAHA.

Stopping at a stoplight(D-uh)!

Posing with frozen treats.

Chloe and I being bat women post CIP!

:B

O hai Chloe and YiLin! :B

Amen for my swollen trotter or this fat missus here would have plonked herself on top of my lap! No hard feelings, Ann!

This all happened on Thursday! Which was the day me and milk fell out. HAHA. In case you're wondering why my face is splashed across... Everywhere on this blog, well it's MY BLOG! And I have very endearing friends who like to photograph their adorable friend here. :D

Teehee!

XOXO,
Simone.

In real life.

2010-04-03T16:36:00.004+08:00

Love is not a feeling, Mr. Burns. It's an ability.
- Marty Barasco, Dan in real life (2007).

Milk's back and I feel a strange sense of depressed happiness it's like I'm happy but I feel depressed at the pit of my stomach.. It's so oxymoronic it's moronic. Hahahahaha I am so punny. He's up to his hot and cold antics again.. And I am just trying to make the best out of whatever I have. So anw, it's saturday afternoon and I'm sprawled over my bed, nursing a slight headache and noming on a bowl of milo cereal. And I haven't bombom yet heehee milk wouldn't approve.. BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW! :D He's quite adorable, really last night while on an alcohol high I called him on my way home asking for some reassurance that I won't be raped by any gangstas- Oh noez I dropped a milo ball! :O - and he kept me company all the way home upon reaching my lift lobby, I told him I had to hang up because the connection would break up and that I would call back if he wanted. He told me to get some sleep but I accused him of not wanting to speak to me. Hahahaha ridiculous right I know. But yes he told me to go bombom then call him. :D And we talked all night and I finally went to bed.. Smiling. :)

Woke up this afternoon to a coupla texts and one from him telling me to sleep tight! :> Got bored and decided to update this space with some party pictures!.. But our lovely SARAH DANIEL hasn't gotten them up yet. :( So we wait.

O:)

This is what I wear to bed.

And this is what I go to bed with.

Other girls go to bed with their boyfriend's jacket but not me! I go to bed with my daddy's jacket! :D

Dan Burns: "What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person that you can connect with? And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?"

Milk and the boys won the RJC friendly! Yay! And before I leave to meet Mama wong @ J8, I've a secret to share. I....

Wear Giordano Blues boxers to bed! They are so comfy. 8)

Dan Burns: "You know that feeling in your heart? When your heart is just pounding, like it's actually outside your ribs. Exposed, vulnerable, but wonderful and awful, and heartsick, and alive, all at the same time?"

I'll upload some cip pictures later!

XOXO,
Simone.

2010-04-02T16:27:00.000+08:00

What do you want from me?

2010-04-01T16:42:00.005+08:00

Arghhhhh milk you noobnoobnoob! Noob ah!

Hello guys I made milk angry today because I was angry with him for ditching me and Andy. Last week we made a pact about going for a movie with the volleyball ppl and it was reconfirmed last night but this morning he told me he was going to watch another 3D movie with his classmates and asked me along.

Firstly, I thought I made plans first?! And secondly it's HIS class. Wouldn't I be "extra"? And lastly I hate 3D movies! They make me dizzy.. :@ So I ran to Andy, fuming. And Andy said to watch a movie. Of all the movies he picked it was a 3D one and it. Was. The. Same. Fucking. Movie. He. Was. Watching. He came over and acted all "alright". Naturally I turned to attempt to kick his family jewels off. He said sorry but I ignored him. So we went into the theater and sat down. Soon after he came in and plonked himself behind me. Still trying to seek my forgiveness he embarked on his usual routine of teasing which I responded with truckloads of "Don't touch me"s and then we both fell asleep because we were dizzy. After going out of the theater I nearly face-planted myself into the door and he told me to look where I was going I and becareful, I told him to shut up(My fault for being so grumpy) and that's where the balance went off he said you said it ah. And then he was angry with me. After awhile I figured I should forgive him and so I went up to him...

Only to be brushed off.

This happened several times. It came to a point where my dignity was at stake and I just couldn't be bothered to try anymore. So I abandoned all plans of watching the friendly and hopped onto the first bus I saw in-front of school, which thankfully, was 66.

So here I am, on a rickety bus with my trusty E75 in hand, typing all of this to you. Yes, I am aware I was at fault too..

But I'm a girl!!!

I'm supposed to throw tantrums and be hoaxed back. ugh I've done my part and I won't do anymore. I'll let nature run it's course. Besides he comes back 9/10 times. But then again this could be that one time where he doesn't. Oh well. Only myself 2 blame. Back home for comfort nao.

:(

Oh milk.. Please come back and be unnaturally nice to me? I like you like a cookie likes milk!! ♥ If that's any consolation..

Sigh.

YOUR FAULT, SIMONE. >:( I HATE CHEW.

Day 1 of nursing a broken soul.

2010-03-31T18:40:00.006+08:00

No, of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion.
-Marlin, Finding Nemo (2003)

I gave school a miss today.. My ankle and heart didn't want to go so I utilized my 7 days MC and stayed home to catch up on sleep. I popped 2 painkillers, 10ml of cough syrup, flu tablets and headed straight to bed. I cried a little while waiting for the drowiness to kick in. Never thought I'd be this much of a loser. Hahaha. I woke up way past noon to a coupla texts from Milk, Jelly baby, Sherry love and My mom.

I think I'm quite lost. Don't you agree?

I think I need a slurpee, more pills and maybe some alcohol.
Maybe it's just a phase.. God, I hope you heard me last night.

Sorry all you cupcakes had to sit through that. Here are some pictures from over weekend.

Dory: No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you. I do, look. P. Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home. Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget.

Marlin: I'm sorry, Dory. But I... do.

XOXO,
Simone.

O NOEZ.

2010-03-27T00:20:00.001+08:00

HOW??!

Okay let's not panic. I have 6 ways to get out of this.

Be mean to him so he won't be nice to me so I will be hurt and then in turn not like him anymore
Kill the dude and donate his organs
Become lesbian
Move to Canada to look for sexy and have steamy hot sex on bubblewrap
Act normal
Confess

But then again Number 6 will kill me, 2 will land me in prison, 4 is technically impossible(Moving, not the sex), and 3 is just wrong. So maybe I only have 2 options..

ARGH I JUST WANT TO SLAPPPPPPPP YOU.

I point.

2010-03-25T22:35:00.001+08:00

The biggest mistake you can make is to drift apart from someone you once had the time of your life with.
I didn't make that decision, you did.

My week's been awesomely weird and bad. Hahahahahaha. I sprained my ankle btw and it was freaking hilarious because I was jumping for a ball and I just landed and my ankle hurt and I was laughing despite the pain ahahahahaha and then what surprised me the most was the first person who offered me a hand was milk and he ran to the office for me to get the lady but she was anal so she made me go there and he came back to bring me there but xinya said she'd do it and he was worried I could tell he grabbed me tightly. He IS starting to be more lovable now but I wish he had less swings tho. I keep trying to figure him out but it doesn't work I think I just may be falling but what abt 13(Who will be referred to as cinamoroll from this point onwards)? I don't know man it's getting confusing maybe cinnamoroll is just adorable and pleasing to the eye. So he was all that right then when I thanked him he said we're all a team, remember? So wtf does that mean. The 11(counting those who were there) them are a team as well but no on cared as much. So what does that mean what does that made us and there's the movie you fed me repetitively and at your house and stuff but you get cold sometimes why! WTF IS THIS?!

Crap I'm rambling.

I had fun with the wheelchair they put me in anw.

-Rollroll-

Heehee I'm like a driver!!!

:(

Comfort chocolate from Jelly baby who later lugged me home. Love you.

Die die must camwhore.

My trotter.

Pictures taken over the week worth posting( not much).

See those are milk's notes. TELL ME WHAT DOES THIS MEAN ok stfu.

Taking the bus to Boonkeng's kfc to try to study(epicfail) she does this alot it makes me sad.

Andy(^) stared at me when I did my work like lolwtf. Hahahaha. AND THIS PICTURE WAS PAINSTAKINGLY EDITTED BY YOURS TRULY LOOK AT OUR UNNATURALLY FLAWLESS SKIN!!! :D

Right okay. I'm not going to reply to your text, milk. Because it's so cold I don't want to. It's like Hot and cold was written for you SOB.

Now, to hop to the toilet to bathe then to roll back to my room to sleep. And pray my ankle gets better tmr so I can go to sch for that meeting xinya was talking about. I swear by the time I recover from this sprain I'd win one legged races. Harhar.

I feel so crippled now. Physically and emotionally.

XOXO,
Simone.

Say hello to term 2.

2010-03-21T20:20:00.001+08:00

Woah, I've spent a term in Millennia ALREADY?

Reality check.

2010-03-20T23:27:00.003+08:00

You don't deserve to be loved, so forget about it and move on.

I hate you, Simone Wong. I hate you.

2010-03-19T23:50:00.007+08:00

Hahahaha hi guys.

I feel abit odd today and thus I'm going to write an entry abt why I feel so weird. Pretty safe considering the probability of a millennian who should not know reading my blog is like 0.2 hahaha. I think I'm a little too used to being alone.. There's this dood let's name him milk why? Because he offered me milk. LOLOLOL. Ya ok so milk has been really nice to me recently and I feel so damn weird. He's too nice and he says things like he's gna protect me and shit. And he makes me so touched so much. I feel bad. I don't really know how to react. Yala I noob la. He assures me quit-OMFG HE'S ONLINE NOW. Speaking of the devil. Tsk. Ya ok he assures me quite alot I feel touched but the thing is I don't feel safe enough. LOL. Okay I don't know what I'm talking about. He has abs tho. +10 haha.

And then there's like NO.13 Who's fucking hot. Harhar. Okay nvm I'm going to sleep. If you read this g4u because I'm most likely going to delete it or bump it down. Ha.

GOOD NIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS.

2010-03-18T22:44:00.002+08:00

If I had my way, I'd make everyone happy.. Without having to go through all that life lessons bullshit.

2010-03-18T00:23:00.004+08:00

"Who you are has made a difference in my life."

2010-03-18T00:23:00.003+08:00

Dear god,

Please keep him safe, give him the strength to survive and to achieve his heart's desires. Please let her know she isn't alone, and give her faith. Please reassure him that he's still got his capabilities and guide him back to where he belongs. Please grant her the will and determination to stay by him through this all. Please speak to her, let her see the good in life and remind her of the love she has. Please bless her with good health and strength.

And for myself.. Please give me hope, the strength to hang on, and determination to succeed. I know I'm not alone. Just remind me, from time to time. Thank you.

I did not mention names, but I'm sure you know who they are. :)

With love,
Simone.

Hello, march holidays.

2010-03-15T21:35:00.004+08:00

You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness.

Perhaps I have.. Or perhaps I still have it, hidden way, way down. But that's something that will only be reveal with time and challenges. Hahaha that was pretty depressing. Anw, that quote was from Alice in wonderland, which I just caught with Andy and Alfred.. Yes! I watched a movie!!! Harhar. Anyhoo, here's my week in view.

I met up with this buncha monkeys.. All of them except the Princess Seal. Because she's a Seal. Cheo bu didn't turn up.. So depressing. We took a ride on the spinspinaroovbnembv and it was awesome I(we) got high on like.. Play things. Harhar. T'was all cheery and merry until BENJAMIN LOH JIA MING was a dick and made me upset I am still upset and I refuse to speak to you.

Went back to Yuying for the carnival and Mr Teo presented me with this sacred ball!

Must camwhore with new ball to look cool and healthy!!!

On like saturday we(Jelly, Eugene Syn and I) went for volunteer work at Tampines Mall. Basically all I did all day was take blood pressure and BMI for ppl who buy nutrisoy. And then congratulate them for their good health, or tell them they are extremely unhealthy and their body is practically a bomb, reason being it could explode any minute. Anw, we got bored at the job and started taking our own BP and apparently I have pretty low BP. :O

Monday(today) we had to go back to school for a shitty business talk. -_______- Sooooo annoying. And this is Simon! Yes, you may laugh now.

We call ourselves the Simon and Simone duo. Samesame, but different! Heeeeeeeeeeeeehee.

So yes, that was everything thus far in a nutshell. Right now I'm nodding off so I'm going to go off I hope you all have a good week ahead!!!

"To thine own self be true."

XOXO,
Simone.

Caught in more than just the middle.

2010-03-11T23:30:00.004+08:00

Life's pretty hectic, not to mention mundane.. I feel an immense need to study, the fear of retaining is constantly bugging me. But school's becoming hard to go to. I'm losing everything, more than everything. I'm getting a little lost in school, and volleyball's just draining, not to mention demoralizing. I keep trying but every training I turn up for I turn up with my inferiority on mind and I just keep trying till I can't stand no more. I whack and whack against the wall, failing to catch the rebound consistently and everytime I miss the ball I feel like I lose a bit of my calmness and and again a crumb of anger. Slowly those crumbs form up to a point where I can't just brush it off anymore. I try you know, I tell myself I mustn't give up, and that if I stay on long enough I will one day be good enough. I don't even know if that's true anymore.

Hey Zircon you're so fine.

2010-03-06T18:22:00.004+08:00

"WE DANCE LIKE THE BUTTERFLIES STING LIKE THEM BEES!"

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO. Friday was like Olympic fest!!! And I'm in Zircon! At first I was like. Wtf Zircon yellow wtf. UNTIL I SAW OUR MASCOT HE'S FUCKING HOTTTTTTT. HAHAHAHAHA. Naw I'm kidding. But yeah, Zircon quite okay, WE WON!!! WOOHOO. I had alot of fun with my homies, Ondrea baybeh, Ann, Yilin, Jelly, Andy and etc.

Some people found a bunch of kittens at the back of school and they took them to school, looking for ppl to adopt them. Jelly took one home and named it ashley. But her mama wasn't happy so it's going to shauna the little lady.

After the whole fest was a friendly against haising and we wonnnnnnnnnnnn. Woohoooooooooooo. Yes and I made good friends in volleyball ok shout out to Andy who was always there, Alfred the noob if you don't wait for me I'll cry, Lester the year 2 and Alan who looks very cool. :) We visited yuying after match! Woohooo but that's in a seperate post! Meanwhile..

Photo spam!

All deco-ed up.

Ondrea was very glum. :(

MASCOT SO HOT.

ZIRCON

Ann,

Camwhore.

Yilin!

So yes that sums olympic fest up. I'm so proud of MI's 10 percent improve in passing rates. :) MI BOLEH LAH!

XOXO,
Simone.

2010-03-04T21:36:00.002+08:00

I feel this strange sense of sadness growing in me.